OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “CREEPER ALERT”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Welp, #Jorbert was just unjustly jossed, and I’m still grieving the loss of my OTP. My beautiful darling Robert apparently met the Slinky’s daughter Miranda, who it seems has a serious case of being a Hot Daughter to an Ugly Guy, and they instantly fell in love. Or at least, Jordan seems to think so. But alas! once everyone gets back to Atlantis City, the lovers shall be separated because… um? I think because Miranda’s a Duchess, for some reason? Or something? I guess? IDK. Also, Jordan was bored by the devastation of the floods, we found out that Ana speaks Jordan’s language, and Slinky gave Jordan the stink-eye, prompting Jordan to call him “the devil.” What could possibly happen next? Let’s find out!


September 20,10,223 B.C. – Wednesday
Atlantis City

I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve been very busy. People come in everyday to ride their horses, including the royal family.

People are riding the royal family?

Alex Prince Alex—

OH MY FREAKING GOD, will you stop it with that?! We get it! She likes him. You don’t have to keep on doing that thing where she writes his name and then crosses it out and rewrites it with “prince” on the front. It’s not clever. Just stop.

Ugh. Sorry if I sound grumpy. I’m just still feeling bitter about #Jorbert.

Prince Alex has a new horse he called Sandy.

Sandy

I have to keep the horses, stables, and tack clean and ready for people all the time. I’m teachi teaching Isabel how to do all this. She’s still a little weak from the pneumonia, but she’s much better.

Prince Alex is very nice.

“OK, listen, Diary—I’m just gonna come clean here. Pretty much all I ever think about is getting in this boy’s royal pants. (They’re black leather, y’know, all tight up around his bum (which is also veeeeerrrrrryyyy nice…). And in the front, well… let’s just say there’s not much left to the imagination. You ever seen David Bowie in Labyrinth, Diary?  Yeah, you know what I mean.) Anyway, uh… what we were talking about?”

Princess Sarai and Queen Eleanor are the only nice women in the family.

WOW. All right, Jordan: you’re too timid to call the I.S.P. by just his name, or to be more vocal about how badly you obviously want to snog him… and yet you’re not the least bit hesitant about trash-talking the princesses in your diary? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Also, since you specifically pointed out the women, are we just to assume then that all the men in the family are awesome by default? Or do we not get to pass broad judgments on men unless they look like rodents and have suspicious-sounding names?

“Or snore.”

Oh! Hey there, Philip the Snob. Almost forgot about you.

“Indeed, I suspect you forgot about me back when you wrote this story, too. Thanks just ever so much for creating me for no reason.”

Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “She Turk Mer Jerbs!”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Jordan & Isabel continue to recover from their illness on the island of the Evil Horrible Atlantian Deity, while the entire population of the palace (or possibly the whole city?) is inexplicably waiting for them to get better so they can all get going back home. Even though they’re just a couple of stable girls and this society is supposed to be absurdly classist, so it doesn’t make much sense for everyone to wait for them. Also, Jordan thinks the I.S.P. is dreeeeaaaamy; he got her a puppy, which she named after a dead horse; she was indecisive about whether to use his title or not in her diary, because relationship development or something; AND MY DARLING LOVE ROBERT HAS MYSTERIOUSLY GONE MISSING!!! If Robert is not okay I’m going to hurt something. Let us find out forthwith!


September 10, 10,223 B.C. – Sunday
Road to Atlantis City

I am so bored.

Well, I am so, so sorry. I know! Let’s play “Punch Buggy”! *punch*

We just got off the ship across the Cetirul Strait. It seems much longer than when we were going to the island.

Everywhere we look is destruction.

AND YOU’RE BORED???

David Tennant eyebrow1

… No. No, yeah, you’re right. Seeing the tragic remains of death and devastated lives everywhere you look is pretty boring. 😡

Side-eyeing you so hard right now, Jordan.

Of course, we can’t look at much, because the chariots go very fast.

Yeah, I’ve pretty much given up trying to figure out what kind of vehicles these freaking “chariots” are actually supposed to be. From now on I’m just going to assume they are this:

Return of the Jedi skiff

Which only increases my suspicions that someone is going to get fed to a sarlacc sometime very, very soon.

Archbishop Slinei told me us that many many people were killed in the flood (1,000,000 (10,231 to be exact.)

Wow, for a society without internet, television, radio or telephones,1 they got a very specific death toll really fast. I also think it’s adorable that Little Me was at first like, “It was a lot of people! Like ONE MILLION PEOPLE!!! Oh, wait, no… that might be too many. Let me tone it down a bit.”

Also, anyone notice that the death toll number (10,231) is oddly close to the current year? (10,223)? In fact, it’s only 8 more than the year… Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that this is Little Me’s attempt at foreshadowing? Is Atlantis going to sink exactly eight years from now, in the year 10,231, and the whole reason I bothered mentioning this number here was as a not-very-subtle clue? I would bet money that that’s it. (I suppose I could find out right now by flipping ahead in the notebook, but I don’t want to spoil anything.)

Maaaannnn, I bet I thought I was being so clever and sneaky, and that no one would ever connect the dots! Hahahahaha… ehhh.

Heh heh... ehhhh.

It’s times like these when I start to wonder if the stuff I write now won’t seem as clever anymore in another ten or twenty years. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “… Just Kidding, It’s Still the Atlantis Story”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: While sick in bed (in an “infirmary chariot,” whatever that is) on her way to the temple of the Evil Bad Atlantian God, Jordan recorded for us the story of how she took a horse and rode off into the flooding city to save little Isabel, and then got lost and had to be saved by the I.S.P., and now all of them are sick (including the horse). Also apparently she’s lost the will to live. Or maybe just the will to write. It was a little unclear. But since Little Me kinda cornered myself by choosing to tell this story through Jordan’s diary, Jordan’s gonna have to keep on writing whether she wants to or not. Sucks for her! Let’s see what happens next.


September 5, 10,223 B.C. – Tuesday
Temple City, Cetirul Island

Oh hey look, a time skip! We just went from August 20 to September 5! I think that’s the biggest date-jump we’ve had so far.

Heh. Jordan’s diary is starting to look a little more like one of mine now.

I’m feeling well enough to write. Isabel is much better but still very weak. Alex Prince Alex is completely healthy. I’m almost there.

Bad news since my last entry: Chloe died. I felt horrible, since I was the one who made her get sick. Alex Alex Prince Alex told me it was okay, but it made me feel worse.

I just want to make it clear: that second cross-out of “Alex” was something Little Me did deliberately. Like, at first I wrote just “Alex” on accident, and then scribbled it out. And then I thought, “No, wait, that’s a good idea,” rewrote his name again, and then crossed it out on purpose this time. Like it’s supposed to be Jordan crossing it out, not me… if that makes sense.

LITTLE ME: “Yeah, see! Because she instinctively wants to call him by just his name, but remembered that he’s the prin—”
ME: “Uh-huh.”
LITTLE ME: “See, it’s ’cause she feels a connection with hi—”
ME: “Yep.”
LITTLE ME: “But she knows they can’t be together because she’s just a peasa—”
ME: “Look, if I give you a cookie, will you stop trying to explain your feeble attempts at relationship development?”
LITTLE ME: “It’s not feeble, it’s clev—!”
ME: *shoves cookie in Little Me’s mouth*

He is so—I don’t know. It’s hard to describe Prince Alex.

Why? Because he’s so generic and uninteresting that he’s basically like the Silence from Doctor Who, where you forget what he looks like as soon as you look away? Yeah, I could see how that might make him hard to describe.

“It’s hard to describe him, Diary. But I feel like he’s a little… pixelly.”

He’s so good-hearted.

Oh hey look, Jordan’s ripping off Ella Enchanted again:

[Char’s] face was close to mine… “You needn’t be Ella if you don’t want to be,” he said softly.
He was so good.

Yes, I know for a fact that I was thinking of this exact line when I wrote this. Of course, in Ella Enchanted it carried a lot more weight, since Gail Carson Levine actually showed us Prince Char’s goodness all throughout the book.1 Whereas here… what has the I.S.P. done that makes him stand out as any more “good-hearted” than anyone else? Congratulating Jordan on not letting a puppy get squished? Liking the same horse as her? Not letting her and Isabel die out in the flooding city?… Has he even done anything else? I can’t think of anything. But all that stuff seems pretty ordinary. So why does he stand out to her so much? Just because he’s the prince? Because he’s hot? We just have to take Jordan’s word for it that he’s a really nice guy. And that’s not good writing.

(I really hope he can’t read Naryphn! It would be so embarrassing if he ever read this.)

AHA! So she does suspect that the I.S.P. might read her diary! Theory confirmed. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “Jordan and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Atlantis City is still flooding, but it seems now that the rich people have all been evacuated, Jordan and her fellow poor people finally got their turn – but not before Jordan & Isabel caught some kind of diphthpneumofluenza. Apparently all the evacuees are currently en route to some island to beg their Evil False God Cetirul to stop the flooding, and probably sacrifice some folks. We learned that the H.O.V. Slinei is Cetirul’s biggest fanboy, because evil, while good and virtuous Jordan is apparently a Christian without realizing it, because I had some issues when I was a kid. Onward!


OK, hopefully we won’t have any need for me to ramble about very sensitive subjects today. Let’s dive in!

Yesterday was awful. I’ll tell you why.

Pray, do tell.

Around 2:00 a.m. yesterday—

Hermione-question2

“Just let it go, Hermione.”
*sigh* “Fine. But stop referencing FrozenThat’s already getting old.”

Around 2:00 a.m. yesterday, everyone was sleeping soundly. Except me. I couldn’t sleep. I was worried about the rain. It was pounding exceptionally hard then. (Of course Philip’s snoring didn’t help.)

It’s funny because he’s a snob!

Then I noticed a small puddle leak lea leaking in under the door. I was about to wake everyone up when Prince Alex stormed into the cabin.

Whoa, whoa, Prince Alex! That’s not how this works! You can’t just break in like this—you’ve gotta, like, throw pebbles at her window, or hold a boombox over your head. Or something. I don’t know, I’ve never actually seen Say Anything, but I’m pretty sure the boombox is important.

Everyone except Isabel woke up(I woke her up. I couldn’t figure out how she could sleep so deeply with Philip snoring like her he was.)

HAHAHAHA SNORING IS AN AUTOMATIC JOKE SO I’M GOING TO MENTION IT A SECOND TIME.

Prince Alex was soaked and he looked exhausted. when he opened the door to our cabin more water spilled in.

Holy cow, Atlantis really is sinking already! Well, this was a short story, wasn’t it?

He told us we had to leave right away (He sneezed a lot.)

Erm… is the sneezing important? Is this another funny? It’s funny because… he’s a prince and… they don’t usually sneeze?

SHRUG - Harry Potter

Anyway, let’s move on and—

“Yo, Dächusblot—what’s with all the Harry Potter gifs today?”

I dunno, Ron. They just seem to fit, for some reason.

“And you left me out? How could you?”
“You’re such a drama queen, Ron.”
“Harry, man—back me up here!”

SHRUG - Harry Potter

The water was really cold, and we were all in bare feet (except Prince Alex, of course.) We went outside. I had my belongings with me, you know, the dress, hand handkerchief, necklace, book, and of course this diary.

WAT. So you had time to grab all your stuff… but not your shoes? Really?—And don’t tell me it’s because she just doesn’t have any shoes. You need shoes if you’re going to work in a stable. And not only because of the poo. See, horses kinda have this bad habit of not always looking where they’re stepping, while also weighing several hundred pounds. A horse can break your toes even if you’re wearing thick boots (trust me, I know). Going barefoot is just a really, really bad idea.

Also, where’d she get a handkerchief? Did she have that before? Did I miss that somehow?

They’re all still in my bag, which, at the time, was slung over my shoulder. Now it is somewhere in another chariot behind us. I’ll find it when we get to Cetirul Island.

Oh no, Jordan! You definitely should have taken it as a carry-on! Those people never handle the bags carefully. Just you watch, it’ll have been accidentally loaded onto another chariot headed for Mu Province, and it’ll take the chariotline like a month to get it back to you. And once you do finally get it back, all the stuff’ll be broken. Yes, even the handkerchief. Total nightmare, I swear. Read more

STUFF I LOVE: “King’s Quest”

KQ logo

There are many, many things that I love in this world. Books, games, movies, TV shows—each genre contains works that have stuck with me throughout the years and helped shape who I am. One of the works that impacted me earliest in life is the King’s Quest series.

And seeing as how chapter one of The Odd Gentleman’s King’s Quest reboot was just released earlier this year, and that I just got around to playing it recently, I’m feeling in the mood to gush about this series as a whole and what it’s meant to me in my life.

Hey, if you can’t gush about stuff you love on your own blog, then what good is a blog anyway?


SO WHAT THE HECK IS IT ANYWAY?

King’s Quest is a series of classic adventure games released throughout the 80s and 90s by Sierra, a game company that, together with LucasArts, produced a very large chunk of all the classic adventure games anyone played in the 80s and 90s. They were sort of like the Marvel and DC of classic adventure games. While LucasArts had classics such as Indiana Jones and the Fate of AtlantisThe Dig and The Secret of Monkey Island (among many others), Sierra had the King’s Quest series, the Space Quest series, and the Leisure Suit Larry series (among many others).

Sierra games tended to differ from LucasArts games by having much harsher penalties for mistakes (you had to save constantly, because you were pretty much guaranteed to die and/or make the game unwinnable somehow at some point), and also by sometimes featuring puzzles that could only be solved using “Sierra Logic”—i.e. throw everything in your inventory at it until something works, even if it makes no sense. This made the games quite challenging, but also often frustrating. Sierra also experimented with wildly different styles and interfaces in their games – with results varying from brilliant to absolutely terrible. All of the games were full of their own type of humor, and the King’s Quest series is especially notorious for wallowing in really bad puns, particularly when you get yourself killed.

ha ha ha ha ha.
ha ha ha ha ha.

King’s Quest was the first of Sierra’s signature series, with the original one coming out way back in 1983, three years before the first Space Quest game and four years before the first Leisure Suit Larry game. And from the very beginning, King’s Quest was an innovative and incredibly influential piece of work, taking the idea of old text-based adventure games like Zork and not only adding pictures to the story, but animating it. Doesn’t sound like a big deal these days, but back then it was FRIGGIN AMAZING.

KQ1 Not counting the many remakes, fan-made sequels, or the new reboot, there are seven official games in the series. (Okay, okay, there’s actually eight, but… we don’t speak of KQ2the Eighth.) The first four were all text-based, requiring the player to type commands into a parser system, which could sometimes get a little KQ3tricky if you were bad at spelling or couldn’t guess the right word to get the game to do what you wanted. Starting with King’s Quest V, the series switched to KQ4point-and-click style, with voice acting rather than text KQ5boxes. The graphics in KQ5 also were a huge improvement over previous installments. As from the beginning, the King’s Quest series served as Sierra’s kind of KQ6“guinea pig” series for trying KQ7out new technological improvements and styles. KQ5 had quite a few problems, being something of an experiment, but all these problems were smoothed out in King’s Quest VI, which many (including me) consider to be the best of the series and a masterpiece of the adventure game genre. Then in King’s Quest VII, Sierra tried switching things up again, to both good and bad effect: on the one hand, the game was a lot less cruel than its predecessors as far as sudden deaths and unwinnable situations; on the other hand, they switched to very cartoony painted animation that often looks a little too much like the Zelda CDi games for comfort. 0_0

GAH!!!
GAH

And then in King’s Quest 8 they CHANGED EVERYTHING and it SUCKED MONKEY DONGLES and that is why WE DO NOT SPEAK OF EIGHT.

KQ8
Don’t look directly at it. It’ll infect you with its terribleness.

Over the years many of the older games have been remade with updated graphics and expanded story elements. A fan-made sequel game called The Silver Lining was also made, but I unfortunately don’t know much about that except that apparently you can explore Chessboard Land in that game? which you weren’t able to do in KQ6 and I always wanted to do that and OMG I may have to play this game just for that.

KQ-chessboard land
You have no idea how I yearned for this when I was nine.

ANYWAY.

And then, of course, this past July, Sierra/Activision put out the first chapter of The Odd Gentlemen’s brand new King’s Quest reboot, “A Knight to Remember.”

KQ-reboot

But we’ll get to that in a bit. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “Give Me That Old Time Religion”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Atlantis is seemingly already well on its way to sinking, but Jordan and her friends are too busy with their singing and drawing lessons to do anything about it. Also we learned that Atlantis is absurdly sexist in addition to being absurdly classist, and I had a rant about the Titanic. Oh, and Jordan referred to Prince Alex as simply “Alex” (scandalous!) apropos of absolutely nothing. Hurray!


August 14, 10,223 B.C. – Monday
Atlantis City

I can see the floods from the stables. We will evacuate tomorrow. Singing and drawing lessons have been discontinued.

YOU DON’T SAY!

It’s about time, criminy. I get the feeling you could run into those stables screaming, “Jordan! Isabel! There’s a huge tornado headed straight for us! It’s literally right outside!” And they’d be all, “Mm, okay, just let us finish this horsey sketch real quick. We can do it from memory, you know!

August 16, 10,223 B.C. – Wednesday
Road to A?b?nt? Cetirul Island

I am very sick. So is poor Isabel.

Curse you, singing lessons!

We are evacuating to Cetina Cetirul Island. We will all pray and beg Cetirul to take away the rain. And then, if wil we please him, he will “Destroy the rain by his mighty hand and make the land the way he created it to be,” or so Slinky says.

GF-Dipper ummmmm

The hell am I reading right now, y’all.

… Crap. wrote this.

That makes me sick.

Me too, Jordan. Me too.

If Cetirul was s is so nice, why do people get burned alive or eaten alive or whatever just to make him happy? 

0_0

Oh no… Oh no, please, let’s not go there…

A true God would love his people, and not require innocent lives to be lost in order to be pleased.

NO, LITTLE ME! NO! NOT A RELIGIOUS TIRADE! YOU AREN’T STRONG ENOUGH!!!

I don’t serve Cetirul. I’m not sure who I serve. I know I serve some God.

Oh. Oh. Oh, you dear sweet summer child.

So, uh… this is gonna be fun, right after that big feminist rant I had in the last entry. Time for me to dive into another very serious and often controversial subject. Yay!

Here’s the thing: I’m a Christian. Always have been. This is a big part of my identity. However, my understanding of Christianity has changed A LOT over the years. Nowadays I consider myself a progressive Christian (meaning I don’t believe God is a Republican, to oversimplify a *wee* bit) and also a universalist (meaning I believe eventually every single soul will be saved, and there’s no such thing as a hell where unbelievers will be tortured for eternity). I won’t get too deep into my own beliefs here since 1) it would definitely take more than one blog post, and 2) my beliefs are in pretty much a constant state of rejuvenation anyway. But I wanted to clarify my actual stance now, because…

… I used to be a very conservative, southern-evangelical type of Christian. I grew up in a very conservative Christian household, and I went to a private Christian school for my entire life (except for a few years when I was homeschooled). And one of the things that both my family and my school really drilled into my head from a very young age was what’s commonly known as “apologetics”—that is, strategic logic-based arguments designed to “prove”1 conclusively that my God is the real God, and everyone else is not just wrong but very obviously wrong, and anyone who denies it is simply too prideful (or evil) to admit what they really know to be true deep down. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “Women and Children First”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Jordan had a good cry about her dead mother and her abusive father with Robert the Beautiful Stable Boy. No making out happened, despite my hopes, but I did formulate the theory that Robert and Jordan are carrying on a secret romance, which Jordan won’t talk about in her diary because she is trying to protect Robert from the jealous Prince Alex, who likes to read her diary like a creeper. (I’m 100% sure that this is probably all true and exactly what my Little Self hoped I would get out of this story). Also Jordan decided to teach Isabel how to draw because, surprise surprise, the five year-old is not exactly Da Vinci. Oh, and it rained. I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen next. Let’s find out!

August 10, 10,223 B.C. – Thursday
Atlantis City

It’s still raining! It’s been pouring since Monday night! The horses are getting restless. They want to go outside and run, instead of being cooped up in these stuffy stables. I feel pretty much the same way as the horses. I feel isolated from people in here.

Aw, Jordan, you’re not isolated. You’ve still got your make-out buddy Robert with you!

No one comes to visit us because no one wants to ride horses while its in the middle of a hurricane!

Hey Jordan, here’s an idea: LEAVE. Seriously, why do they have to stay in the stables constantly? Can’t they leave once the horses are taken care of? In my experience, caring for horses usually does not require you to be with them in the stables 24/7. Surely if the stable people are that anxious for fresh company, they could find fifteen minutes here and there to stroll over to the palace and chat with the cooks or something? Or are they required to spend all their free time standing around by the stall doors, hoping someone will show up to take one of the horses for a ride, sort of like roller coaster operators at an amusement park that no one goes to anymore?

I hope it doesn’t flood. If the rain doesn’t stop soon, it will flood. Luckily the palace is on a large hill overlooking the city. But think of the people in the city! It may be flooding down there as I write.

Yeeeaaaaahhhhh, if the palace is up on a large hill overlooking the city, and you’re worried about it flooding up there, then I’d say it’s a safe bet to assume there’s some flooding going on down in the rest of the city. Especially in the outskirts where all the poor peoples’ huts are. They’re pretty much screwed.

But oh well, no time for worrying about poor people who might be drowning and/or becoming homeless as we speak! There are much more interesting things to talk about. Such as…

Isabel is improving on her drawing.

OH GOOD. THAT’S SUPER. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “Jorbert”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Jordan started getting to know some of her fellow stable workers a bit better, including the Tall Skinny Lady—whose name turns out to be Ana and whom I suspect is a prototype of one of my favorite recurring characters from future stories—and also Robert, who turns out to be a hot young Cary Elwes. Unfortunately, Jordan only sees Robert as “like a brother to her,” because she’s still infatuated with the I.S.P. for some reason. Also Slinei, the Hilariously Obvious Villain, has a castrated pony named Puzzle. We’re still on the same entry as last time, and it goes on for quite a bit longer. What else is Jordan going to tell us, and will it involve spontaneously making out with Robert? Probably not, but let’s dive in anyway!


OK then, where were we? Ah yes. Backstory and alcohol.

They feed us wonderfully here. Back home, I only got two small loaves of bread everyday, one in the morning, one in the evening. I had to get my own water, and once a year at on New Year’s Eve I got a small sip of wine. Here we get goblets of wine and huge slices of venison every night.

Soooooo… I think it’s safe to assume that the servants are pretty much always wasted, right? Yes? I’m just going to read the rest of this story with the understanding that everyone is drunk off their ass at all times. Seems safe. Especially around horses. I can’t imagine anything disastrous at all coming from having a group of drunk people and a five year-old hanging around a bunch of horses.

Also, let’s think about what’s happened in this story so far: this royal family just brought hundreds of people from all over the continent to live in the palace and work for them, all at the same time. No explanation for what happened to the old servants or why there was suddenly such an abundance of job vacancies at the palace. And now they’re feeding these people like crazy and numbing their senses with a constant flow of alcohol?

THEY ARE FATTENING THEM UP FOR THE SACRIFICE. IT’S SO OBVIOUS!

Ackbar

JORDAN, SERIOUSLY, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! 

Robert asked me why I was so skinny.

Well? That’s… kinda rude? Geez. C’mon, Robert, you just lost a few sexy points! Don’t do things like that.

Westley5

*sigh* Goshdarnit, man, you know I can’t resist you when you do the “As you wish” thing.

It’s true, I am very skinny. That’s not a suprise though. After the way Father treated me, I’d be worried if I wasn’t skinny.

That… makes no sense.

I told him it was because my father hardly fed me, and soon I ended up telling him my whole life story. I started crying on the part where Mother died, and he let me cry on his shoulder. He’s two years older than me, and I felt like such a baby, crying like that. He must have understood, though, because his father died when he was ten years old. Mother died when I was eleven.

That was three years ago. It seems like yesterday.

JordanXRobert, y’all. OTP. From now on I’m going to call them “Jorbert,” in no small part because it sounds like something Coach Z would say and that makes me all grinny. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “Sexy Stable Boys”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Little Miss Blandy McBlandface, aka Jordan, attended a feast in Atlantis City to welcome all the royal family’s new victims workers from all over the continent. She met a whole bunch of other people, including her fellow stable workers: Generic Guy (Robert), Snobby Guy (Philip), Tall Skinny Lady (?) and the Five-Year-Old-Who-Really-Should-Not-Be-Working-in-a-Stable (Isabel). She also saw from afar the I.S.P.’s younger sister, Princess Sarai, and the Hilariously Obvious Villain, Archbishop Slinei, whom she believes to be a “snob” and insists on calling “Slinky” for some ridiculous reason. Let’s see what happens to our journal-writing heroine on her first day of work!


I must say, so far Jordan is much better at keeping up with her journal than I ever was. She hasn’t missed a day yet.

August 7, 10,223 B.C.—Monday
Atlantis City

This is so good.

“We didn’t even have Chick-Fil-As back home in Mu Province! Do they put crack in this chicken or something? Seriously, how did I ever live without these chicken nuggets?”

There’s no other word for it.

This morning I woke up at 4:00a.m. I wondered why everyone else was still asleep.

Bunch a lazy bums, I tell ya.

Father always made me get up at 4:00 to work.

QUESTION!
QUESTION!

Yes, Hermione?

“How do they keep time on Atlantis? Do they have alarm clocks? If not, how does Jordan wake up at 4:00 a.m. on the dot every day, like she claims?”

I… have absolutely no idea, Hermione. Sorry.

*Sigh* “Why am I the only one who ever thinks about these things?”

I knew I didn’t have to work until the trumpet sounded to open the city gates every morning. I had to wait 5 hours to work.

Oh, what? The city doesn’t even open till 9:00 AM? And no one has to get to work before that? Not even the servants? Wow… Atlantis really is a utopia!

The woman who came in last night is named Anastasia.

WELL OF COURSE SHE IS. It’s not like “Anastasia” is a Greek/Christian name or anything. Why wouldn’t she have the same name as a Russian princess who was also coincidentally the main character in another Don Bluth film that I may have just been a little bit obsessed with around this point in my life.1

What’s really unfortunate is that I just recently read Jenny Trout’s hilarious and brilliant deconstruction of the 50 Shades series (yeah, I won’t touch those actual books with a 39 ½ foot pole), so now when I see the name “Anastasia” my brain automatically goes to certain places I’d prefer it not to. I also suddenly have an incredible urge to slap this character in the face.

I thought that name was too elegant for such a simple lady, so I call her Ana. (I didn’t tell her that.)

Whapuhpuhfuhpppttssss??? Well, now who’s the snob, Jordan? Who put you in charge of deciding whether other peoples’ names were appropriate for them or not? YOU LIVE ON ATLANTIS AND YOUR NAME IS JORDAN. Read more

OLD NOTEBOOKS (Scriggly): “Surrounded by Snobs”

It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Jordan and the other live sacrifices test subjects Hunger Games tributes servants have all finally arrived in Atlantis City, where the roads are made of gold, the poor people live in huts, the rich people live in diamond mansions, unicorn hearts are on sale at a special discount, the royal family all have strangely European names, and no one seems to care about any of this except me. The I.S.P. was just about to give a “welcome aboard” speech to the new employees, and Jordan wanted him to hurry it up because she was hankerin’ for a cheeseburger. Let’s see what else is in store for us in Atlantis City!


Later…1

I can’t write much more because all the servants are supposed to be asleep right now.

I’m in my bedroom now. Well, actually, I have to share it with 3 other stable people. At least I get my oun own bed. I’m on the very top buc bunk so it’s easy to hide the tiny candle by which I am writing. Isabel, the only other stable girl, is asleep along with the two stable boys, Robert and Philip. Philip is a snob, but Robert seems nice enough. Isabel is a five-year old girl, and she’s really sweet.

HOLY CRAP, what’s a five year-old girl doing working in the palace stables?!? Apparently Atlantis has never heard of child labor laws (not surprising). And where are her parents? I’m assuming she just doesn’t have any,2 but it’s still kinda weird that Jordan wouldn’t mention that, right? It’s kinda weird that Jordan isn’t shocked by seeing a five year-old working in the stables!

Once again, I can see my Little Self thinking with “fantasy world rules” here, but in a bad way—in the way that makes you totally forget about “real world rules,” instead of actually playing with and commenting on “real world rules” the way that good fantasy ought to.

On a lighter note, is it weird that I find the sentence “I have to share it with 3 other stable people” amusing? I know she means “people who work in the stables,” but I think I’m gonna go ahead and pretend she actually means, “people who are not likely to have a mental breakdown anytime soon.”

Someone else just came in. A lady. She’s probably about thirty, and she’s really tall and skinny. Her face looks kind of stern. I wonder why she’s here. She took the extra bunk in here. Maybe she’s another stable girl. (She’s not really a girl though). If she is, I hope she’s nice.

HAHAHAHA it’s funny because I’m almost 30 now and people would totally still call me a “girl.”

So. I wonder, assuming the Ella Enchanted copycatting is gonna remain a consistent feature of this story, is this new character going to be the “Mandy”?3 Could be. I get the feeling that I may have made her “really tall and skinny” on purpose in order to differentiate her from Mandy, who’s described as short and a little stout. Because, y’know, if they have different body shapes, then they totally aren’t the same character! 😉

OK, OK. I’ll try to give Little Me the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe this new character isn’t a Mandy-clone. We’ll just have to wait and see, I guess. Read more