It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Jordan started getting to know some of her fellow stable workers a bit better, including the Tall Skinny Lady—whose name turns out to be Ana and whom I suspect is a prototype of one of my favorite recurring characters from future stories—and also Robert, who turns out to be a hot young Cary Elwes. Unfortunately, Jordan only sees Robert as “like a brother to her,” because she’s still infatuated with the I.S.P. for some reason. Also Slinei, the Hilariously Obvious Villain, has a castrated pony named Puzzle. We’re still on the same entry as last time, and it goes on for quite a bit longer. What else is Jordan going to tell us, and will it involve spontaneously making out with Robert? Probably not, but let’s dive in anyway!


OK then, where were we? Ah yes. Backstory and alcohol.

They feed us wonderfully here. Back home, I only got two small loaves of bread everyday, one in the morning, one in the evening. I had to get my own water, and once a year at on New Year’s Eve I got a small sip of wine. Here we get goblets of wine and huge slices of venison every night.

Soooooo… I think it’s safe to assume that the servants are pretty much always wasted, right? Yes? I’m just going to read the rest of this story with the understanding that everyone is drunk off their ass at all times. Seems safe. Especially around horses. I can’t imagine anything disastrous at all coming from having a group of drunk people and a five year-old hanging around a bunch of horses.

Also, let’s think about what’s happened in this story so far: this royal family just brought hundreds of people from all over the continent to live in the palace and work for them, all at the same time. No explanation for what happened to the old servants or why there was suddenly such an abundance of job vacancies at the palace. And now they’re feeding these people like crazy and numbing their senses with a constant flow of alcohol?

THEY ARE FATTENING THEM UP FOR THE SACRIFICE. IT’S SO OBVIOUS!

Ackbar

JORDAN, SERIOUSLY, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! 

Robert asked me why I was so skinny.

Well? That’s… kinda rude? Geez. C’mon, Robert, you just lost a few sexy points! Don’t do things like that.

Westley5

*sigh* Goshdarnit, man, you know I can’t resist you when you do the “As you wish” thing.

It’s true, I am very skinny. That’s not a suprise though. After the way Father treated me, I’d be worried if I wasn’t skinny.

That… makes no sense.

I told him it was because my father hardly fed me, and soon I ended up telling him my whole life story. I started crying on the part where Mother died, and he let me cry on his shoulder. He’s two years older than me, and I felt like such a baby, crying like that. He must have understood, though, because his father died when he was ten years old. Mother died when I was eleven.

That was three years ago. It seems like yesterday.

JordanXRobert, y’all. OTP. From now on I’m going to call them “Jorbert,” in no small part because it sounds like something Coach Z would say and that makes me all grinny.

But seriously, how the hell did I not want these two to hook up when I was younger? Obviously my goal at the time was to get Jordan & the I.S.P. together, but after writing this, how could I still want that? How could I not be all on board for #Jorbert?

Was this just one of those cases where a background character completely got away from me and became something I didn’t intend him to be? (That actually happens a lot to me. I know it’s kinda cliché for writers to talk about their characters “coming to life” and doing things without their permission, but this is actually a thing that happens.)

Because, I’m several pages into this story, and so far Robert:

1. Is good-looking
2. Is super sweet
3. Has lots of things in common with her
4. Has hints of an interesting backstory of his own
5. Has now shared an emotional & physically close bonding moment with her

Whereas Prince Alex is

1. Handsome
2. Handsome
3. A prince
4. Likes the same horse as her
5. A handsome prince

Was I just… not paying attention to the actual things I was writing?

I’m kinda starting to get curious, though. Like… what if I’m actually underestimating my Little Self here? What if Little Me is actually setting this up to be all about #Jorbert, and the I.S.P. is just a red herring? I barely remember anything about how the rest of this story goes, so… it’s possible? What if it does turn out to be that?! Aw, I will be so impressed with Little Me if that’s what happens! Like, so impressed I will literally hop into my TARDIS and travel back in time to give her a cute little gold star for being so impressive. And maybe also a copy of Avatar: the Last Airbender.

Wait, no—scratch that about Avatar. It would probably destroy the spacetime continuum if Little Me became obsessed with Avatar a few years too early. Never mind, bad idea. We’ll just stick with the gold star. And maybe a cookie. Yeah.

Ana saw me and started to comfort me, too.

“And then we all made out.”

They’re both so kind. If I cried about Mother back home, Father would yell at me and hit me to make me stop. Today all the sobs I had held in for three years came out. I must must have cried for hours.

“And then we all made out.”

Robert and Ana are like a new family to me.

“A family that makes out.”

So is Isabel.

EW, ICK! OK, no, no, wait—no! No! Bad! Abort!

OK, just to clarify, Isabel is not involved in the making out here. That was unfortunate timing on my part, sorry. Uuggghhh.

Robert is like an the older brother I never had.

Sure, Jordan. Sure. He’s just like a brother. Definitely. Just. A brother.

Hey look, found another gif. I'll stop, I promise.

Ana reminds me of Mother. Isabel is my little baby sister.

And Philip is like that annoying cousin you only ever see at Thanksgiving, but he always manages to make things really awkward somehow.”

I barely know them, yet they’re already all ready already like family.

AND THEN THEY ALL MADE OUT.

Look, I’m just going to imagine that they all made out at some point in here, and Jordan simply chose not to mention it in her journal because she didn’t want Prince Alex to read it when he graded everyone’s journals.

Hey, speaking of that, is anyone actually keeping track of the servants’ mandatory journal-writing? Why do I suspect Jordan’s the only one actually doing it?

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Hold up, you guys. IDEA: What if Prince Alex is reading these journals? And what if… what if Jordan is secretly into Robert, but she knows Prince Alex kinda fancies her, and that’s why she’s being so careful to write in her journal that Robert is “just like a brother” to her and not nearly as handsome as Handsome Prince Alex?!

BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T WANT THE I.S.P. TO KNOW ABOUT HER AND ROBERT’S SECRET LOVE!

Yes. Yes, this is my new headcanon. You can’t convince me otherwise. I’m even going to pretend that this is how Little Me intended the reader to interpret things all along, because it makes me feel better about myself to think so. #JORBERT 4EVA!

I just hope Robert isn’t interested in me in the other way. If he is, he doesn’t show it. I don’t think I have anything to worry about.

And if any possessive and/or entitled (but nevertheless handsome) princes should happen to be reading this diary right now, please don’t get jealous and have Robert beheaded or anything, because my relationship with him is completely platonic, I swear. It’s even more than platonic! It’s  hyper-platonic! No, it’s supra-platonic! Even Plato wasn’t this platonic! Yessir. Yep. We totally never make out in the loft, or in the stalls, or in the tack room, or behind the shed, or…”

You know, I bet if I really tried, I could keep up this whole “Jordan is an unreliable narrator who is covering up her true feelings for Robert in her diary in order to protect him from the wrath of the snooping prince” thing for quite a while. Maybe for the whole story. Unreliable narrators are more fun than reliable ones, anyway.

Today I saw little Isabel trying to draw a horse. I think actually it was the unicorn. Anyway, it was pretty good, if you were actually looking for a unicorn (I’m pretty sure it was the unin unicorn). If you didn’t know, it might be mistaken for a rattlesnake.

Making fun of young children’s drawing abilities is fun!

“… She says as she continues to mock her 12 year-old self’s writing abilities.”

Hey, shut up, Cathead! It’s different when you do it to yourself.

“Mmkay. You just keep telling yourself that. Imma take a nap, mreow.”

I told her I would teach her how to draw. I think I’m good enough to teach. See:

Hahaha, look at Little Me, tryin' to show off mah mad drawing skills.

Hahaha, aw, look at Little Me, trying to show off my mad drawing skills. Cute.

I sketched that by memory.

… Well, good for you.

Chris Eccleston - eye roll

It’s rained, and the horn blew to close the city gates. I’ve got to sleep now.

And… that’s the end of that entry! No one made out, but there’s always tomorrow! 🙂 So I’m just gonna go ahead and stop here too. Later taters!

*cricket cricket*

(I just want you all to know, I’ve never used the phrase “later taters” in my life until just now, and I don’t plan to ever again. I’m so, so sorry.)

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