It’s the “Old Notebooks” series, where I read back through the fantasy stories I wrote as a kid and mock myself mercilessly in order to mitigate my mortification!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE “SCRIGGLY” NOTEBOOK: Welp, #Jorbert was just unjustly jossed, and I’m still grieving the loss of my OTP. My beautiful darling Robert apparently met the Slinky’s daughter Miranda, who it seems has a serious case of being a Hot Daughter to an Ugly Guy, and they instantly fell in love. Or at least, Jordan seems to think so. But alas! once everyone gets back to Atlantis City, the lovers shall be separated because… um? I think because Miranda’s a Duchess, for some reason? Or something? I guess? IDK. Also, Jordan was bored by the devastation of the floods, we found out that Ana speaks Jordan’s language, and Slinky gave Jordan the stink-eye, prompting Jordan to call him “the devil.” What could possibly happen next? Let’s find out!


September 20,10,223 B.C. – Wednesday
Atlantis City

I haven’t written in awhile. I’ve been very busy. People come in everyday to ride their horses, including the royal family.

People are riding the royal family?

Alex Prince Alex—

OH MY FREAKING GOD, will you stop it with that?! We get it! She likes him. You don’t have to keep on doing that thing where she writes his name and then crosses it out and rewrites it with “prince” on the front. It’s not clever. Just stop.

Ugh. Sorry if I sound grumpy. I’m just still feeling bitter about #Jorbert.

Prince Alex has a new horse he called Sandy.

Sandy

I have to keep the horses, stables, and tack clean and ready for people all the time. I’m teachi teaching Isabel how to do all this. She’s still a little weak from the pneumonia, but she’s much better.

Prince Alex is very nice.

“OK, listen, Diary—I’m just gonna come clean here. Pretty much all I ever think about is getting in this boy’s royal pants. (They’re black leather, y’know, all tight up around his bum (which is also veeeeerrrrrryyyy nice…). And in the front, well… let’s just say there’s not much left to the imagination. You ever seen David Bowie in Labyrinth, Diary?  Yeah, you know what I mean.) Anyway, uh… what we were talking about?”

Princess Sarai and Queen Eleanor are the only nice women in the family.

WOW. All right, Jordan: you’re too timid to call the I.S.P. by just his name, or to be more vocal about how badly you obviously want to snog him… and yet you’re not the least bit hesitant about trash-talking the princesses in your diary? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Also, since you specifically pointed out the women, are we just to assume then that all the men in the family are awesome by default? Or do we not get to pass broad judgments on men unless they look like rodents and have suspicious-sounding names?

“Or snore.”

Oh! Hey there, Philip the Snob. Almost forgot about you.

“Indeed, I suspect you forgot about me back when you wrote this story, too. Thanks just ever so much for creating me for no reason.”

Anyway, back to Jordan dissing all the female members of the royal family except two: aren’t all the princesses, like, little kids? Why are you bashing little kids, Jordan? That’s real mature.

All of Sarai’s sisters, Susanna, Samantha and Skylar, are little brats.

UUUUNNNNGGGGGHHHHH. Did you really have to remind me of all their terrible names? I’d almost managed to block that from my memory.

… SKYLAR. Jesus Mary’n Joseph…

FACEPALM-hiccup

Ah, good. Thanks again, Hiccup.

Prince Adam is a lot like Prince Alex. Princess Sarai is exactly my age. Her birthday is on May 2nd, only 7 5 days before my birthday. She is really nice. Miranda is nice too. They’re both good friends.

Does it strike anyone else as weird that Jordan, a stable girl, is supposedly at the very bottom of the pecking order around here, and yet she is apparently hanging out regularly with princes and princesses and also now a duchess, like it’s just whatevs? And also writing smack about the royal children in her diary, as if they’re just the neighbor’s annoying kids or something?

Robert just stared stares at her when she comes into the stable. It drives me nuts!

OH! OH!!! WHAT’S THIS?! Jordan is annoyed whenever Robert stares at Miranda???

AHAHA SHE’S TOTALLY JELLY!!!

You like Robert

Huzzah! My #Jorbert isn’t quite dead! There’s still hope, y’all!

(Yes, I know the longer I try to hang onto it, the worse it’s gonna be. SHUT UP I DON’T CARE.)

September 23, 10,223 B.C. – Saturday
Atlantis City

“Wherever you go,
No matter what,
I’ll always be there
To the ends of the earth,
No matter what
I’ll always be there with you
Because I love you
I’ll always be there with you.”

That’s the chorus to “Asoon da Naminka Fay” (“Always be there”).

Applause - Anne Hathaway

Brilliant.

Absolutely. BRILLIANT.

No one could EVER write lyrics this good ever again in the history of the world! All of the cleverest, most original, most poetic songs ever written PALE IN COMPARISON to this heartbreaking lyrical masterpiece!

Sokka - sniffle

Sokka - flameo

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just that I have to be super sarcastic about this or else my head is going to explode in a little red mushroom cloud of mortification.

The worst part of this is… *sigh*… I actually remember coming up with a melody to go with these lyrics. I don’t remember how it went (I promise I would find a way to share if I did), but I do remember it was the blandest, most boring melody possible. And I knew it was at the time, but I managed to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad.1

However, I will give myself this: whatever I came up with back then, it was probably still better than “Am I Feeling Love?”

The melody of that song is beautiful, and the rhythms are so good! I love that song! It’s the best song I’ve heard in my life!2

I have to assume that Jordan’s being sarcastic here too. Either that, or this is literally the only song she’s ever heard in her entire life. That is also a distinct possibility.

Ahem. CHANGING THE SUBJECT: look at the little drawing I did here in the margins! Tee-hee!

Apparently Jordan has bangs. Vital information, right there.
Apparently Jordan has bangs. Vital information, that there.

I can barely recall Mother singing it to me once. Maybe that’s why I love it so much.

Ah. Nostalgia makes dupes of us all.

Today, as I was brushing Tatiana’s soft dun coat, I thought I was alone (except for the horses and Chloe, who was trying to eat straw and then gagging it up.) I started to hum it. Then I started softly singing it. Soon I was singing at the top of my lungs. I sounded like Ana.

“Oh sweetie, everyone THINKS they sound like me.”

I never knew I could sing so good. But I stopped when I thought I heard footsteps behind me, and jumped when Prince Alex said, “Don’t stop.”

CREEPER ALERT

I turned and bowed, but he took me my hand and pulled me up. He said, “You don’t have to bow.” I’ll bet my hands were all sweaty and clammy.

By the way, can you tell I was raised on a steady diet of Disney movies? I’m surprised he didn’t say, “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten you!” like she’s a skittish baby bird or something.

He said he was sorry he startled me.

Goddammit.

I told him it was okay. There was no need to apologize! He’s the prince, and I’m only a stable girl, for heaven’s sake!

I’m honestly not sure what to make of Jordan’s relationship with the royal family. The prince buys her a puppy as a gift… And yet she’s still afraid to refer to him just by his first name in her diary…? And yet she’s not afraid to talk about his sisters in her diary like they’re either her best buddy (Sarai) or those bratty kids she babysits on Friday nights (the other three)…? And yet when the prince comes to say hi to her in the stables, she acts all flustered like, “Oh mah goodness! His royal highness is addressing me, a mere stable wench! I’M NOT WORTHY!”

I’m tempted to think this is yet another carry-over from Ella Enchanted, disastrously blended with the class issues from Titanic, mixed up with just fantasy- and Disney-tropes in general. Because, y’see, in Ella Enchanted, Ella is extremely casual and friendly with Prince Char, though when she first meets him she is a little like, “Oh! Holy crap, it’s the prince! Should I, uh… curtsy or something?” But after their first meeting she gets over that pretty quickly, and for 95% of the book there is none of this sort of tension to make things awkward between them. But of course, Ella’s situation is distinctly different from Jordan’s, in that Ella was already a member of the upper class. In fact, her mother is explicitly stated in the book to have been a friendly acquaintance of Char’s mother, the queen. And the royal family themselves (or Char at least) is invited to both Ella’s mother’s funeral and Ella’s father’s wedding later on. It’s not at all weird or unrealistic for Ella and Char to treat each other as peers and equals.

But here? The reason Little Me seems to be having a problem with Jordan’s character is because she isn’t an equal to the prince: she’s at the very bottom of the pecking order, like I said. And I put her there on purpose. It’s like I was trying to have my cake and eat it too: I wanted the warm, fuzzy friendship of Ella & Char, but then also the dramatic class-conflict of Jack & Rose. And it’s just not making any sense.

Then he asked me the name of the song, and then to sing it for him! I was so afraid my voice would be hoarse and squeaky, but it wasn’t.

*cringe* There is nothing more awkward than trying to sing a song a cappella on the spot for someone who asks you to. At least, for me. Of course if you’re living in a kind of Disney-Knockoff world like they are, I guess it’s not that bad.

I sang the whole thing for him, and he said he didn’t know I sang so well. Of course, I blushed. I hate myself for doing that. I turned back to Tatiana and told him I was practicing because Ana is teaching me. I told him it was my favorite song. Then he agreed with me that it was a very beautiful song. And then there was a very long, awkward pause.

… We both heard the gentle squeak of the fart as it released, and we both could smell it. It was pungent: even amid the stench of the horses, you couldn’t miss it. Like week old cabbage passed through the digestive track of an elderly turtle and fried over a pile of flaming cheese. We both knew that the other could smell it. But I wouldn’t admit that it was me. And he was too polite to say anything.”

I felt him stai staring at me, so I turned again to face him. He looked away, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. It was wierd.

You’re telling me.

He gradually lifted his he eyes, and our gazes met. Something happened.

I’m sorry, Jordan, that’s not quite vague enough for me. Could you try again?

Since Jordan doesn’t specify what the “something” is that “happened,” I’m just going to assume that Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner suddenly came scampering through the stables pursued by Ralph the Guard, Dr. Scratchansniff, and Hello Nurse. And then they were never seen or spoken of again.

Animaniacs1

What? She didn’t say. How do you know that’s not what happened?

If Chloe hadn’t broke the silence with a little yap, he might’ve took me in his arms.

Dächusblot’s Inner Grammar Nerd: “OUCH.”
Dächusblot’s Pride: “DOUBLE OUCH.”

Yikes, but that’s bad writing. I’m just gonna focus on how bad the verb tenses are in that sentence so I don’t have to think about how awful the whole sentence in general is.

It was scary, yet pleasant. I wished it would have never ended, but I was glad when it was over. Then Alex(I don’t want to call him Prince anymore, at least not in this book) took Sandy for a ride.

Sandy

And that’s… very abruptly the end of that entry. OK then.

Phew, is it hot in here or is it just me? All this “””””””””””ROMANTIC””””””””””” “””””””””””TENSION””””””””””” is just too much to bear. I don’t think my heart can take much more. Seriously, y’all. Alex & Jordan = a romance for the ages.

Just Kidding - Johnny copy

Sarcasm aside, I’m actually curious: what happened when he came back? He must have brought the horse back eventually, but Jordan didn’t write anything about that. So what happened after he was done taking his horse for a ride? Heh. I’m guessing he did not take Jordan for a ride, because I feel like she would have definitely mentioned that.

LITTLE ME: “Take Jordan for a ride? You mean, like… on his horse?”
ME: “Yeah… Sure. On his horse. Uh-huh.” 😉
LITTLE ME: “Waitjustaminute!… You’re making dirty jokes again, aren’t you?”
ME: “Maaaaaayyybe.”
LITTLE ME: “Well, stop it! Alex and Jordan would never do anything like that until they’re married!”
ME: “Hrm. Yeah, you’re probably right. But I bet Hot Robert and Miranda are getting it on like bunny rabbits.”
LITTLE ME: “NO THEY’RE NOT! THEY HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED YET!!! Stop being so weird, you’re making me really uncomfortable!”
ME: “That’s the idea, Cupcake. Now just think: one day you’re going to be me. How do you feel about that?”
LITTLE ME: “Even more uncomfortable than before!”
ME: “Awesome. Then my work here is done. I just have one request for you.”
LITTLE ME: [nervously] “… What?”
ME: “Can we go back to Robert’s plot? I was enjoying him a lot more than whatever’s going on here between Generic Jordan and the I.S.P.”
LITTLE ME: “But—! *sigh* Okay, fine. But no one’s going to have sex!!!
ME: “Oh, I know. That’s fine. But I got you thinking about it now. That’s all that matters.”


1. The truth is, I’ve been playing the piano since I was seven. You put some sheet music in front me, and I will learn to play it, given enough time. But for my entire life, never have I been able to compose music of my own. I can draw pretty well; I can paint somewhat decently; I like to think of myself as a fairly good writer; I can even sing a bit on some days. But I can’t compose music. It’s my second greatest downfall in life.

My first greatest is cooking. I really suck at cooking.

2. She’s talking about my crappy song, not “Am I Feeling Love?” Though with her taste in music, she’d probably think that one was a masterpiece too.

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